if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
heey were did you guys go? last time i remember seeing you i was throwing up in the fountain
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
We went to his house and he brought a jar of pickles to bed. I think im in love.
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
New development. Drinking at work is so easy and awesome I might have to do it everyday.
I'm eating a piece of cake like an apple. At least my thought process is healthy.
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
My attempts to make you laugh have failed exceedingly. Naked snap chats it is
I think i was just meant to be a stripper. A ballerina stripper cat
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
Up until today, I never would have thought I'd have to tell someone not to color on the cat
Both of us came out of our rooms at the same time in boxers and sat on the couch. No words were spoken.
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
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