he stole me 6 pairs of frilly undies and proclaimed "your ass looks like a 5 in those. it'll be a 10 in these bad boys". every girl needs a gay bff.
This guy just walked into class and first thing he did was grab the garbage can, walk to his desk and say "just in case"
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
Mustard is by no means a replacement for yellow wall paint
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
We were all drunk for the whole flight. Steve doesn't even remember the cab ride to the airport. At 6am. Says he "blacked back in" at security.
Was I holding a cat when you saw me? Because that was the height of that party for me.
You should imdb "mourning wood" to see what I'm doing with my $80,000 English degree today
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
I'm drinking your booze since you ate my pop-tarts. I'm telling you this because I still don't think it's a fair trade.
Can you find me some 'I threw up in my hair last night' medicine?
Dude too much vodka. I think I just puked up my heart
That's what you get for taking that guy home. The god of sluttiness is frowning upon you.
If you think eating a bowl of leftover stuffing and drinking champagne from the bottle in dirty sweats at 9am is sexy... Then yeah, I'm your girl.
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
Randomize
