The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
it looks like my getting laid tonight is going to depend on my knowledge of native birds. this is a weird party
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
I have walked into stripper central, but I'm on the street at 1:00 in the afternoon
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
jusy threw up in the airport bathroom. I am no longer thankful for fireball.
Leave it to you to bring a trash can into a fist fight.
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
If I wasn't planning on spend the rest of my life with you I wouldn't send you so many nudes, so fucking appreciate it
The bouncer said the club was at capacity we couldnt get in till ppl left all three of them pulled their tits out we got complimentary bottle service never under estimate women
RESPOND QUICKLY THIS IS AN EMERGENCY!!! LITERALLY AN 11 INCH DICK!!!!! HELP.
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
Randomize
