Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
she was bad bro. like...id rather put my dick in a blender. twice.
Every night before bed, when I used to say prayers, now I just think to myself 'freshman sluts. Soon'
And then I interrupted the father of the groom, to ask if she was "ballet or pole" in the middle of his story about his niece, the dancer.
I hid a girl's boot last night so I could ransom it back this morning via the "blowjobs for boots" program.
Already puke and ralleyd and dressed like a bear.
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
Well we're gonna drink when we get home and I just invited the cab driver to play beer pong
woke up outside on the porch naked surrounded by beer cans with a towl around my neck. i must be in heaven cause i've never seen this place before.
NEVER LET ME DO THIS AGAIN I FEEL LIKE I'M GONNA SHIT MYSELF TO DEATH ARGHHHHHGHHG IS THIS WHAT DYSENTERY FEELS LIKE
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
Life should not be this hard with a dick this big.
I thought we agreed to no sexting at the school bake sale...
I think I just shit out all my problems.
stupid neighbors doing stupid yard work with their stupid kids when i want to do drugs in the backyard
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