I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
You threw up. And every time you flushed you would wave and go "Bye Bye!" and then when the new water came you would greet it with "Helloooo!"
Fat spanish girl grinding against air conditioner. ive seen everything now
Why am I a bad person? You were the one trying to get people to eat tape.
He shaved off his eyebrows. This is not my life.
I cleaned out the fridge, had to pound the brews. I am going to be wrecked for my final at 1
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
I hope you realize that its not me making that decision, but rather the combination of my genitals and sexual orientation
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
Oh and he asked if I would occasionally still blow him if we had children. It was so romantic.
Stop talking and go back to bed. You're in the kitchen in your underwear and slept in your car.
Yeah I either headbutted a street sign while texting or I defended you two from an evil gang of nazi muggers. I was black out so I am gonna assume it was option b.
You're a brave, albeit stupid soul for wanting in on the fuckery that comes attached to my vagina
Randomize
