Your face is a jimmy john
Btw I've read that book you bought me...And I'm such a bitch now
But I don't think guys love me
i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
Well maybe next time you won't tell me to do whatever I want.
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
I haven't gone out since the baby was born. If I don't get arrested, in a fight, or both I'm going to be super pissed.
Nurse helped me count all my sexual partners and still gave me her phone number. She shall be #73.
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
She came 4 times, called me a god, then made me breakfast. I don't think she is ever going to leave
Next time you decide to go downstairs hungover, please warn me. I now have to explain to twenty eight year olds why you were naked.
This dude is trying to sext and all I can think about is taco bell and their new crunch wrap sliders
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
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