My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
I was about to buy asher roth's album and then i realized he was a ginger. can't support
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
You stuck your head out the window to puke and got hit with a mailbox.
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
there is no way i can order from that cashier at in n out after she tried helping me while i was drunkenly puking in their bathroom at 11 am
I deem her datable let the dance of attraction commence
Just missed the last train for another 5 hours. There are balls in or around the mouth of my life.
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
Killing two birds with one stone tonight: mastrabation meditation. Win win.
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
Herpes is not a lady problem you can solve with shower beers and kissing boys
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
Vodka for breakfast. With a side of Frankenberries. Don't judge me.
Randomize
