he told me not be awkward when his girlfriend comes tomorrow. and then he made out with me
The little penguins are speaking with a hispanic accent. I dont know how to feel about it. Geographically speaking, this cant be possibly. This isnt cool.
i feel as uncomfortable as your camel toe looks.
he just chased his shot of tequila with a chicken nugget.. either its a canadian thing or hes wasted
OH MY GOD MY GRANDMA JUST SHOWED ME HER BOOB OH. MY. GOD.
On 3 separate occasions, she grabbed my bullhorn to announce to the entire party she had fucked me.
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
The important thing is not that we avoid making mistakes, but that we avoid learning from them.
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
He wanted me to strip for him. I told him that we aren't at that serious of a fuck buddy relationship yet
I just woke up naked next to a GetGo sandwich and I can hear my cats are eating my combos. So that's my life.
I'm committing myself to dance. Also, I'm unsure if you said space party sounded lame because dude was old, but I hope you're over it because I love space, and I love David Bowie and I love to dance, and you need to embrace this with me.
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
Jarrod's passed out on the chair with a cup of milk and I've been staring him down in an attempt to use telepathy to make him spill it. Attempts unsuccessful.
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
Randomize
