i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
Because ur a stupid bitch
Actually, I'm graduating from college on Saturday so that makes me a well educated bitch.
you humped every kiosk in the store. then you asked for an application.
I think you blew our chances when you yelled "YOU SLUTS COMING TO THE TITTIE BAR?" in their face
like when he blacked out and we found him in the garden eating your tomatoes off the vine
I'll be there in spirit. Right there in your vagina.
He picked me up in the very car he devirginized me in, his moms toyota.
How long is enough time to schedule homosexual exploration... Like an hour?
Went home with a male stripper who looked like Justin Timberlake.. I started singing cry me a river mid sex. When he sang along I fell in love
I can't tell if this is a hangover or just a perfect combination of shame and regret
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
Randomize
