just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
I feel like I've been slapped by Gods icy cold dick of vengeance.
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
she fell through a window trying to flash someone
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
I had a sex dream. With two guys. And my subconscious decided to put your dick on BOTH OF THEM. If there is a society where that does not mean "I cherish you" I do not want to live there.
She complimented my boobs and then told me I smelled like teddy bears before falling asleep on the floor.
yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
I feel awkward giving career advice while naked
Now I don't feel like I'm sweating cheeseburger all the time.
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
Kyle passed out in the tub after breaking a glass and shouting, "WHAT ASSHOLE GAVE ME A GLASS?" His girlfriend gave it to him...
School supplies are right next to the margarita mix at target. Its a sign
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
Randomize
