The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
it wasn't sex, it was awkward naked time.
He posted a picture of my bra on facebook with the caption "I don't know who I hooked up with last night but if this is yours please come pick it up".
I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
I will probably be peed on at some point today.
What's the over under on catching something from your sister?
thing about being the result of a teen pregnancy is that all my baby pictures are of my mom and dad holding me around their stoned college friends.
At one point, you closed your eyes and asked me which 'six flags' we were at
I love it. Like, more than my penis at the moment.
In hindsight combining orgy Thursday with mystery drink madness was begging for failure
I have to confess something, I may or may not have knocked on your window at 2:30 am while balancing on some guys hands. We found tequila.
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
I would professionally fuck the shit out of her
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
Randomize
