you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
ha so i just found a picture of you eating paper towels and many of Laura freaking out from it.
I HAVE A PRESENT FOR YOU AND ITS NOT MY VAGINA
this is a reminder to untag myself in the picture of me flashing the photographer in the morning.
I swear 95% of pictures on my phone are from drunken nights I don't remember with me doing a peace sign alone in somebody's bedroom.
so gross sitting on a warm chair at a restaurant..you just know a fat person was sitting there shoveling food into their face for hours.
I didn't get a chance to take any pics but the mental snapshot of her boyfriend calling her directly after we finished was a really special moment I wish I could properly share with you.
I can't believe I left out the part about him peeing on the side of Route 2 at 3 a.m. while wearing a dress.
guys with girlfriends don't have a leg to stand on when they get mad at you for fucking other guys
can we just punch him in the dick and call it a victory for feminism
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
You were making out w/ur brothers coach against a door when someone opened it and you both fell through... Then you continued to make out on the ground
The modern romantic, surprising his gf w/ a gram of blow
wait. i have to tell u something. and it has nothing to do with dildos or spiders
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
Randomize
