I bet when she looks at herself in the mirror she wishes brown paper bags were in fashion.
If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
So I got a little fucked up on the punch, and made out with the family friend. Which is apparently morally reprehensible. I don't get that.
I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
It's like a squid of pain has attached to my head and it spreading it's whorey tentacles all over.
He took a picture with a naked dude. I think he just walked out of that deep ginger closet.
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
He could only go twice. I need a guy with more stamina and is less married
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
Well, my mom found the ball gag and whip. Looks like I'm never going home again.
I shall relish in being the most basic of bitches
Emergency thong? Check! Suspension bondage is a go!
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