i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
Yeaaah, so cabbie laughed at me, and said, "rough nite? Let me find you some music" . apparently OPP is the appropriate ride of shame soundtrack.
Seriously. You just grinded your ass all over the heisman trophy's dick. I want you to think about that.
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
Now that I'm born again, I'm preserving my gift.
Your vagina isn't a White Elephant gift. You can't re-wrap it after it's already been given several times. That's white trash thinking.
Due to your tardiness, I'm saving you my tab
Hooker in the library. I repeat, we have a hooker in the library. This is not a drill.
The inside of my nose has felt like the guy's face falling off from raiders of the lost ark all week
I don't really want to talk about it, but if anyone finds my unicorn mask with my bra in it, I would really like that back.
Okay I'm officially a Texan now, I banged a dude with cowboy boots
He showed up at 1:10AM covered in mud and vomit, wearing a headband that said victory in Japanese. I WANT PICS.
I just bought sparkling water with plan B. I am the most basic bitch to ever exist.
I just wanna be naked and go frolic in the snow
i'll...probably just offer you drugs?
i'll...probably take them in all honesty
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