I just googled how to quit your job and cause a big uproar at the same time....i tell you how tomorrow goes, i'm so excited....
high people should be assigned attendants
like literally i think i'm sweating out semen right now
Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
We officially wrote our house rules 1. We do not waste alcohol 2. Pinky promises mean something 3. Don't leave your facebook open, and if you do, don't complain 4. Never refuse cuddle or catch phrase
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
i gotta stop hooking up with people just to get to their dogs
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
Don't come back. They don't have pants.
Oh god.
God has nothing to do with this.
Please explain the hospital band on my wrist.
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
Is it weird that my mother is taking body shots off my gf after meeting once?
Randomize
