I accidentally had phone sex last night
I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
You lit the bowl with a rolled up paper towel that you ignited on the stove.
Sorry for scaring your son with my drunken animal impressions
The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.
But the guy you're fucking should not be within ten pounds of your weight when you're five fucking feet tall and he's 6'2". That's all I'm saying.
I thought he was being really sweet and protective when he pulled me away from the guy i was hooking up with, but turns out he just wanted me to get chicken nuggets with him...
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
I got my first tattoo & injured myself while having sex in a national monument. I say we consider this weekend siezed.
I'm gonna face reality, tomorrow morning is not on my hungover agenda.
I'm still alive btw, in case you were worried about my well being.
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
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