in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
There is a semi-attractive guy at the door who's looking for you. Says he met you on Chatroulette. Start explaining NOW.
Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
i'm glad we're now at the level of friendship where we can comfortably discuss the quality of our shit
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
Bring it all. We will have a potluck of drugs. It will be magical.
I have no words
Neither did my mom, when she walked in on me squating with my balls in a cup of hot water.
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
New Mean Girls drinking game: Everytime someone says Africa or Math, chug.
I saw a groundgog last night outside my back door. I now have a new wedding gift idea.
Him naked in my bed with a bottle of vodka in one hand, a pipe in the other, and a rose in his mouth.
She had her pubic hair down there shaved into the superman s............. Best one night stand ever.
Yeah but who says we can't be shitfaced and tan at the same time?
Randomize
