someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
Lets go to the mall and pick up some fat chicks and take them out tonight so we can be the skinny friends
...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
He leaned in to kiss me and I dodged him but i fell on the floor. I guess I never got up cuz I woke up on the floor and he was in his bed
Well it involved jumping two nine foot fences. But when you mix alcohol and persistence you can't lose.
I literally just got propositioned by a sugar daddy.
OUR DREAMS ARE BEING REALIZED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Curled up in the fetal position, trying not to throw up or think about my future, and humming songs from musicals to myself. You?
I think I just ate eggs off of a plate covered in cocaine.
it's a simple rule - pass out shirtless on the couch, become an airsoft target.
He's pretty cool once you ignore the fact that he's trying to get into your pants
haha all our friends are at the carnival and I'm on stage dry humping a 40 year old
Dude, A DAMN CHEESEBURGER HIT ME IN THE FACE!!! WTF was i suppoused to do!?.
I think I'm taking after my dog, I just want to hump everything
My sister gave me satin sheets. We can fuck on satin sheets.
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