Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
The other night after we fucked we talked about Lowe's vision insurance. Never fuck a coworker.
There is a full size piano in the middle of our road. Please tell me you had nothing to do with this.
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
Lesson learned the hard way. If it's a "no" on a dating site, it's also a no if you ever run into the person anyplace in public. It's a slap if you mention wanting to poke.
I feel like drug tests are a little less "random" when you are employed by your father.
Did I tell you I bit someone's arm for you last night
Your smile makes me feel like I'm frolicking through a field of gummy bears.
I just rolled a blunt and took my bra off. I'm not going anywhere.
my new years resolution to eat more toast and mastrubate more often is going well so far.
Who the fuck stole my fridge again
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
I woke up under the stretchy sheet like the corners were still stuck under the bed. I had to wiggle the corners off in order to get up. I was trapped. how did that happen
Ewe he just snapped me a pic of his butt crack.. Should I be concerned?
we went to the skate park then back to her house for dinner, and somehow that ended with her making me blueberry pancakes at 2am
Randomize
