i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
i'm officially boycotting relationships. hello random hook ups and treating men like meat.
he stole me 6 pairs of frilly undies and proclaimed "your ass looks like a 5 in those. it'll be a 10 in these bad boys". every girl needs a gay bff.
Hello everyone will one of you please inform me on why I woke up in a cardboard recycle dumpster with no shirt and a stuffed animal? I want to hear this explanation.
Your godly.
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
Sounds like it could have been the night you pulled out your love stump at the strip club.
i dont know whats weirder. that i told him he stabbed me in my dream or that he told me i wasnt the first girl to tell him theyve been killed by him in a dream
We need to do something soon. I need like 4,000 beers and a cigarette.
Figured out how I got so much alcohol in my hair: tried to drink my drink using my cleavage as a cup holder. Missed my drink hole and got it all in my hair
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
Way to go. Now you have no beer and I have a cold tit.
Pretty sure the waitress here is concerned about well being bc I've been here drinking by myself for 3 hours. If only I could show here FB so she'd know I'm not alone...
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
why is there a porcupine in the kitchen
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