How am I suppose to look him in the face when I know a commercial lasts longer than he does?
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
I legitimately sent him a storybook of naked pictures.
She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit.
Looking for the remote in the couch. Finding Adderall beads. Considering utilizing.
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
Everyone was passed out so I turned off the lights and locked all the doors. I also took the chicken sandwich in the microwave as payment.
Another memory: We offered for a stranger to live in our house under the condition that he took the garbage out because it's a 'blue' job.
We are the best.
Ps. We need to take the garbage out.
After my mom met Tanner, she literally turned and said "he's from old money, top of his class at Emory, already has doctors courting him for jobs and judging from your vocal performance the other night, he's gifted in bed. Fake a pregnancy right now"
I come from her. Holy hell.
He fed us edamame like baby birds. Slowly all coming back to me.
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
Drunk me has cost me a lot in cell phones...
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
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