My hair reeks of homosexuality.
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
we need to go to the store. i'm tired of having bud light for breakfast.
do you want me to pick up budweiser instead?
As soon as he told me I had a 'pretty laugh' I knew I'd be putting out more than I had originally planned.
i am positive it's ok to drink. it's just pieces of the plastic knife i forgot was in the blender.
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
We're both great liars, in committed relationships, and horny. Its the perfect storm of cheating
WHAT KIND OF GUY JACKS OFF TO A PICTURE OF A BUTT WHAT IS THIS THE 1980s
just chugging fertility tea and vodka, no big deal.
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
Woke up to your boyfriend in my bed last night. What's that about?
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
I'm drunk still and I cried and now I'm watching Whitney Houston singing the national anthem and I'm crying more
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