Youre a pretentious asshole and im not sure who you think you are. Get the hell over yourself and the self righteous culture snob image because its pretty obnoxious.
They threw a beer at you on stage and then you stopped the karaoke and cussed everyone in the bar out for 2 minutes
Don't bite the hand that gives you multiple orgasms
im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
Having a dry hump session to Alvin and the chipmunks surprisingly didn't kill the mood. He's that good.
please dont let the old guy in the wheelchair see you when you wake up
I'm not leaving bed today. And i guess my drunken ass last night hit my roommate in the face with a tiki torch then proceeded to cry while carrying around a picture of he who must not being name. I'm a piece of work.
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
What people don't tell you about near death experiences is they give you a full on chub
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
Only ESPN could find the two ugly girls from a school in Florida
Nothing says depression like laying in your bed stoned, naked, and eating a cupcake
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
He has no idea he’s my boyfriend.
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