new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
He was wearing a Knicks jersey I had to go home with him. it was a rough season.
My porch is a mess of peanut butter and tostitos...thanks for that.
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
I want to bury your face in my vagina. Possibly by force. I will try not to suffocate you though.
Seriously, I'm ready to settle for ugly and unemployed as long as he has decent hygene and likes to go down.
Well, I saw an Olympian's genitals tonight, so it can't be that bad.
I just came so hard my vision went blurry. I can only hope one day I'll find a man that can accomplish what my left hand does on a tri-daily basis.
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
I wanna be like, dude, I peed your bed. Like you laid in my pee. And we're not dating. You can find another fuck buddy who I'm sure won't piss on you.
went back to my college bar last night. Bar tender doesn't remember my name but remembers me as margarita girl...I'm not even mad though
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
All i want from a relationship is to get drunk watch pirates of the Caribbean and have sex
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
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