The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
Too bad it's not "confirm, ignore or not unless I've had 20+ beers"
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
HOnestly. That's my one goal for this whole trip. I don't give a shit about souvenirs or sand. I want penis.
We really need to check into harvesting part of our liver now
Barack Obama mentioned plan B and suddenly this address seems a lot more personal
Omg he's telling my parents stories about him doing jaagerbombs ... Lord help me
This is the third time that ive slept with him. He bought me more milk. I can feel the romance growing.
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
The car just stinks of weed and we are all sitting here trying to hide it from my mom by rolling down the windows, like it's not coming off my sisters boyfriend
I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
It's supposed to be a shit show, it's an end of the world party.
It looks like I jerked off a rainbow.
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
He took off all my clothes, fingered me, than said "would you be more comfortable if I was naked too?"
Randomize
