I'm pretty sure he jizzed in his pants, and no it wasn't even half as funny as that song.
Having sex with her was like reading the Wall Street Journal.
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
we made out at a charity event. really i was helping the fight against aids...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
He's sending me pics of Yellowstone scenery...the only thing I can think is "I would have sex next to that waterfall"
I really couldn't care less what she looks like. That's why The Lord Our God gave us doggy-style.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
if my uterus stops caving in on itself long enough for me to be alive I'm there
Speaking of, what are you doing next weekend? I'm going to a rope bondage seminar and may need a partner if my date bails.
The doctor basically called me a dirty dick.
My ass is in a myriad of pain right now
Lesson learned - Taco Bell before a long night of BDSM is a BAD idea
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
There is no way entering a gas station bathroom memorializing an alien abduction in rural New Hampshire is a good idea.
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