im going to live freely with my legs opened and my heart closed
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
i find it unbelievable that you didn't think it was necessary to intervene when i started letting people autograph my body with spray tan.
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
is leaving the club to fk in his friends van subtle?
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
Did you leave ur panties in the sink?
Kitchen or bathroom?
As soon as I got there, you appeared out of no where, yelled "they're giving away free cigarettes!" in my face and then disappeared and I didn't see you the rest of the night.
You drunkenly said something along the lines of "move forever" to the lady standing in your way. Needless to say you had too many mimosas at breakfast.
In honor of Super Tuesday, we should have the sex tonight.
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
They have one of those claw machines here... with a dildo in it...
Just calm down. My foot long super joint and I will be over shortly.
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
Clearly the Stanley Cup Finals good luck hand job IS necessary. You let the whole team down.
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