I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
I don't know where I am, but its a Goosebumps novel waiting to happen.
I am so horny I keep driving over the rumble strips... best half hour ever.
I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
please hurry. your mom just evil laughed to herself in the kitchen like she's plotting my death.
my way of studying for our final tomorrow: registering online to retake the class in the fall
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
He invites me over too FucK and i wind up eating 6 jimboys tacos with his roommates. While he waited in his room. Maybe next time
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
When I was hooking up with this guy last night all I could think about was if we were in Game of Thrones... I need to stop doing drugs
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
Randomize
