All of his creepy stalker friends want you too
I'm holding in my pee so that I can hear "Cowboy" in its entirety on the radio
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
We were hooking up and you crawled into bed with us, because you had lost your phone and didn't "want to be alone at a time like this."
If for any reason you were wondering if i was going to vomit at the airport today, the answer is yes.
I had a great penis washing session in the sink before I left. Washed off all the bar and green beer
I'll report later on the progress of the mountain orgy
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
I'm mailing you cans of corn and that's final.
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
looked up people from my old yearbooks. 3 ex boyfriends are gay. im getting drunk now.
But I put cranberries and apples in my wine so it's festive drinking not suicidal drinking
I had a good weekend too...although I cried about the dog in a drunken stupor last night...not one of my finest moments, but it's all water under the bridge.
My vagina knows your penis is sad about Andrew Luck. You should come over and let her comfort him in his time of need
Randomize
