If you were a Panda and I were a Koala and we had a baby, it'd be a falafel. Just think about that.
If my boyfriend wants to eat his own jizz after masturbating, what does that make him?
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
yo your bro wants to know what time he got home and were you hosing him off
The nurse gave me a funny look when I said I thought I have an std in my throat. Bet she only does it missionary too
Definitely Got caught hugging a strangers tree last night with 5 others.
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
You are mentally unprepared to be exposed to my degree of perversion.
How did "just two beers for happy hour" turn into naked backyard wrestling?
Listen I'm a sentimental character under all this alcohol and ratchetry
We have a nice shopping list..vibrators and roller blades
Priorities
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
Also my bed has glitter in it for reasons I do not recall
I miss seeing you
i hope for the sake of your safety you were not with your girlfriend while sending texts like that at 3 am
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
Randomize
