Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
I need to go to a fraternity... my boobs are telling me to.
I woke up this morning and "The Wood" was on tv. Touche TBS, touche.
I want to do something romantic. Like gargle champagne before I put your dick in my mouth.
Our Icelandic basketball player brought cocaine and rachael is screaming that he should do lines off her stomach. It's that kind of party
There is a homeless man handing out free beer on the city bus. He has a cooler and everything. I love this trashy yet generous city.
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
he was extremely fucked up- he thought my sports bra was his boxers. even when his leg wouldnt fit. at least whiskey dick wasnt a problem
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
I think your high point was when the quesadilla was in your mouth and you were screaming "I can't chew!" and the Taco Bell guy just kinda stared at you like he wanted to strangle.
"what's it like being a dancer turned stoner" well, i can change the netflix using my feet mid bongrip, so there's that.
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
its like my accent is a device for a 100% chance of sex every time i leave the apartment. i love being english in this country.
You shouted "my financial aid just came in, who wants a shot?!" Half the bar followed
Randomize
