i just had sex. the condom broke. we're sleeping in to separate beds. And im in albany
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
Listen, this was just a tiny lapse of judgement.
I'm pretty sure that's not a synonym for pregnancy.
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
We had to leave the bar because you were trying to show the bartender your boobs for water.
Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
Then you bent down and whispered, "excuse me mr. Stair, could you please stop moving?"
As he was going down on me, I looked over his shoulder and said "ohh a Christian mingle commercial is on"
I gotta give him props though, I've never been propositioned for sex via flash mob.
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
I'm actually more excited that I had so much sex this weekend that my ovaries hurt
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
They tried to get you to drink water and all you kept shouting was, "NO MORE LIQUIDS OF *ANY* KIND."
Randomize
