If the blowjob was before the wedding, we're not technically related, right?
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
Watching the gap toothed girl get more ass than me is almost devastating.
I've never felt so epic in my entire life as I do right now, my bare testicles staring down the ocean itself
Have you ever chugged beers in the hospital parking garage with your mom?
This is just what we do. We meet guys, go back to their place, smoke all their weed & go home to compete in out own version of Cupcake Wars.
Though I feel a moral obligation to take you there, point out all of the male supervisors and slap you on the wrist and yell, "NO!!"
It looked like his dick was wearing an argyle sweater.
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
so i might have figured out why that girl isn't talking to me...I'm 90% confident I didn't give her a pillow when she stayed over >.>
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
It's 7am. I'm sitting on the curb in last nights clothes with a nose bleed and no idea how to get home. Low moment I feel.
You don't have to buy me dinner, watch tv or even hang out if you don't want. Just fuck.
Randomize
