I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
We agreed on being friends w/ benefits. Lets see if that really happens.
Ok, so that was not supposed to go to u, my bad. I feel horrible.
she must wash her vagina with a dirtier vagina
not sure what i find more disconcerting, your text or the fact that i recognized that as a dane cook quote
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
don't tell me about being eco-friendly. i just threw up in the same bag i bought my liquor in. RECYCLING
I just masturbated while eating dinner. Now who's the lazy one
They put 3 tbs of cinnamon in vodka shots and called it the "cinnamon death challenge"
I'm getting 800 nuggets from McDonald's
My loniness meter has reached its peak. I just played shadow puppets using my Big Mac on the wall with my cats
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
You really need to not quote Anchorman while I'm giving you a serious blowjob.
You were laying on the floor coloring a "get well soon' card for your liver...
Your slutty phase was the highlight of my year.
he said he couldn't believe he just lost his virginity and passed out. what have i done
Legit hope my Trump humping Brother dies of this shit so I can stop pretending to still love him.
Randomize
