my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
You gave him head? He fingered you? A little bit of make out?
WHAT THE FUCK ITS LIKE YOU WERE THERE
I've never had a better reason to do blow of a Pittsburgh strippers ass than to try and keep pace with my dad.
I'm glad you trust me to be your sex stat keeper.
I'm just gonna be the bigger person here and say I want you inside me
once you get past the part where you think youre gonna die, its the most amazing drug ive ever experienced.
she's a kindergarten teacher now. The teacher desks are the perfect height for fucking. I'm delaying the break up a few weeks.
don't pay it forward
I eont pay shit forward. told a stranger to call an abulance and peaced
it wasnt a pity fuck per say. i wasnt attracted to her, but still thought 'that looks like a fun ride'
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
I cried at the bouncer while saying I wished he was my father... They had no idea what to do with me.
The only difference is Iv never super glued straws to your nipples.
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
on a scale of one to ten where does vomming from being hungover during a professionalism lecture fit
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