I didn't black out, the guy in the Men In Black costume erased my memory
Is it sanitary to roast marshmallows over a cigarette lighter?
my facebook is like a giant collection of my one night stands
Just got blown whilst getting my high score on bejeweled blitz. There's still a month and a half left of summer and my bucket list is empty...
I just peed behind the dumpster and dedicated it to you. Can i call u?
I need to pack up my vagina and leave. We only do bad things together.
He paid the bartender with money from the tip jar then proceeded to hit on me in front of my date. I love frat dances
Apparently while fucking a girl in the ass last night I cracked a molar, trying to find a dentist now.
While randomly hooking up with my neighbor last night he says "it's okay we're neighbors".
An old white couple caught us smoking the foot long. THE LOOK ON THEIR FACES.
My orifices are off limits as long as you have that stache. Your call.
This is why you have to watch more Zombie movies- to prepare for End Times...
He's got that kind of dick that just MAKES me cheat on my boyfriend. It deserves a trophy. Really you should give it ride sometime.
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
Plus he probably didn't want to be at home, alone... Jacking off on the big screen without you there to lend a helping hand. I mean, let's be honest. It's not fun if it's not a little weird.
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