dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
Just once id like a girl to say to me in the dracula voice, i want...to suck...your dick...
the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
We'll probably be arrested for having a cheetah in our apartment anyway, so I say go for it.
Penises. Penises everywhereeeeeeeee. Penis ratio is sooo disproportionate. I can't NOT get laid tonight.
we knew we'd be okay when we walked up to the dealers house and he asked us to please be quiet as to not wake his nana.
I woke up with a piece of pizza duct taped too my hand and a paragraph written on my chest. Good night is say
That girl from the bar sent me a text saying that she wants to wear my cock as a hat. A cock hat. Is that good or bad?
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
She has dubbed herself the Pied Piper of Penis and keeps yelling about getting Cocktober started... Will send pix soon
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
I just woke up and there was a condom wrapper stuck in my hair. This is my life.
Didn't you sleepover at your grandparents?
He stuck a cigarette in my butt last night. There is no coming back from that.
She's asleep in a fisher-price toy car
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
Randomize
