The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
enterprise is going to pick me up, im too high for this
drunk sex in a shower = bad idea broken arm
He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
He looks like he'd be great Lego character.
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
I've learned life lessons in Vegas. Mostly, drugs are cheaper than alcohol.
Can you technically cross something off your bucket list if you don't, per say, remember it....?
Can you not touch my dick while I'm holding a gecko?
I didn't know where you were for like 15 minutes and then I went in the bathroom splashing water on the mirror and throwing hand towels around saying that you were "redecorating"
i woke up in a bed of pop tarts
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
Randomize
