you know you are hungover when... you set your alarm for the next time you think you are going to throw up
You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
What a tease, dude. She's giving me emotional blue balls.
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
Party priorities: alcohol > girls > music > cups > decorations
the plan is to continue having sex with all three of them until my birthday, and then once they've given me their presents, they can find out about each other.
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
FYI...Jose likes Shamrock shakes better than Jack
What happens at the gay bar stays at the gay bar. Except that I sold my panties for $100. People should know that.
Lets think Pancakes and sausages into existence
with great strapon comes great responsibility.
There is a pool of ranch salad dressing in my purse...I know thats always been something you've wanted to try..so don't even act like you didn't do this.
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
I'm like the kinda excited when David After Dentist stands up in his seat, screams, and collapses
Randomize
