ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
my room smells like sperm. sweet.
why does hillary duff have a greatest hits album?
He made me cum so much, I almost let him spend the night. The operative word being "almost".
Put your dick on his face to wake him up, dont worry its fine.
Let's have sex soon. Just us!! Its sad that I have to specify.
im eating mac and cheese with a makeup brush. there is wayyyyy too much wrong with this night.
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
Heard you were the one that shit off Jamie's balcony. FYI there is a cabbie down here out for blood
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
Any sexual interaction is meaningless without pizza during half time.
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
Do you think it's illegal to drive without your pants on?
I gave your mom a discount on her coffee, its my way to say thanks for having a son that makes me come every time
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