first i yelled "you cant get it up?" and then in the middle of it i opened a Corona
At the same time. Hot men feeding me brownies. In between rounds of sex.
Why does it always end up with me crying in my car.
I told you all we needed steroids to survive the tour de franzia, like the bikers. But nobody listened...
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
Do you sleep with the same women I've already slept with on purpose?
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
got a free grilled cheese. Didn't even have to talk about Jesus
We drunkenly made out once four years ago and then he immediately vomited and honestly I've never gotten over him
Well, I hope you're having fun. I'm just gonna lay here and wait for death - shouldn't be long now.
We were all having a bath, the three of us, then that drug dealer guy walked in and peed. Sitting down. Apparently he didn't want to offend us.
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
when i was on the highway she passed out and knocked my transmission into nuetral with her forehead...that was an experience
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
Randomize
