did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
It's called penis withdraw. Or alcoholism. I get them confused these days.
he found you with your pants down, trying to straddle the urinal. no one should have to see their sister like that. ever.
we knew you were done when they played It's All Coming Back To Me Now by Celine Dion and you started crying
Still not exactly sure how i unbolted your toilet from the ground.
I let a guy with dreads drive my car, then demanded he take me back cause I don't let strangers drive my car, while repeatedly apologizing for being a cock block.
maybe volvos are so family friendly and safe because they're extremely uncomfortable to get fucked on.
a pansexual with facepaint started fucking a tall black girl on the bed i was sitting on so im going to mcdonalds
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
You're the only person I know that could get laid while visiting their grandpa in florida
She looks like a hot George Washington...I'm going for it
After the first time we had sex he kept saying "I'm proud of you" over and over again
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
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