the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
When he came he kept saying "oh god oh god" and he sounded just like his dad. awkward...
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
Kinda wish I banged him. I need the exercise.
so high i just made my own version of grilled cheese using toast and spray cheese
here comes the puke
Did the math... it's Magna Cum Laude whether I get a 4.0 or a 0.0 this semester. I'm blacking out now, wake me up when I have to walk across the stage,
Wait so they unscrewed the bathroom door to find you naked?
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
Were going to have to vacuum the bathtub, great party
I am not getting you a goat.
Fair enough. I am not going out with you. The goat was not negotiable.
Yeah. Moral of the story: Don't mace yourself. It sucks dick.
I just put on underwear fresh outta the dryer and it's like tiny Angels are giving them warm supportive hugs all over
I don't know what to do with my life other than going on Reddit and watching porn.
I'm sexting at my family's 4th of July BBQ and I feel no shame....
Dude, I'm pretty sure I just drank iced tea last night and yet I'm still hungover. What the fuck is my body anymore ?
Randomize
