Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
hickory dickory dock, please dont tell me about your cock
It feels like I've shaved away my winter coat and my vagina is going to freeze if I go outside.
I feel like I need to get a restraining order against him but I'd probably be the one to break it.
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
I can't talk to her. I know entirely too much about her genitals to hold a conversation without mentioning them.
She wanted me to watch her masterbate and after she thanked me for a wonderful evening and left. This state is weird.
After you threw up you would repeatedly say "napkin" like a siren until somebody got you a fucking napkin.
I'm getting better, this year I only showed up drunk to 1 final.
On a completely different note: my hookup and i are now in a semester GPA competition. Winner gets froyo and sexual favors. School just got interesting.....
Btw there's a hedgehog in my room. Don't get it high
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
Either it didn’t do much damage or I’ve lost all feeling in my asshole
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
I threw up in 4 different Starbucks across the city before 9 am.
Randomize
