Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
I've got 15 minutes to eat dinner and drink a 40. Four years of college has all been training for this moment.
I was under the impression that I sent actual words. turns out it was a series of letters and question marks on a side note we still had sex
btw when he was trying to sleep i was apparently poking him in the face w my 'flipper' slurring random manatee facts
I feel like somehow my uterus ended up in my ribcage from all the keg stands i did last night..
Are you scared? I basically plan on us looking like giant drunk skittles
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
He's just a really nice guy who stuck his tongue in the wrong place.
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
The bad news is I fucked my exes girlfriend. The good news is I100% understand why he left me
Him naked in my bed with a bottle of vodka in one hand, a pipe in the other, and a rose in his mouth.
It's my birthday, if I want to stay home, get stoned and watch the gameshow network, that's what I'm going to do.
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
Yeah I either headbutted a street sign while texting or I defended you two from an evil gang of nazi muggers. I was black out so I am gonna assume it was option b.
Do you think the hole in the ceiling will count against our security deposit?
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