guy from last night has fluorescent crocs in his closet. judging by the rest of his clothes he doesn't wear them in an ironic way
My life would be so much easier if i could just ride around in the cash cab all day
that knocking you heard last night......that was her head slowly going through the wall
The amount of 12yr olds downtown right now boggles the mind. I can thank taylor swift for a glimpse at my future 3rd wife.
YouTube is recomending me a video on how to make a home made meth bong, what has my life come to?
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
He said he had a problem he needed to take care of before we got omelets and then showed me his erection.
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
All I really remember is shouting "THANKS FOR LETTING ME MAKE OUT WITH YOUR GIRLFRIEND."
What can I say? You have this amazing power over straight girls.
My favorite thing about your netflix account "suggestions for you" section: Russias Toughest Prisons is followed immediately by Strange Sex
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
WE'RE NOT MAKING A DICK PIZZA OKAY
You just get me
I'm the wind beneath your wings, bitch
You’re like one of those doomsday preppers, but for your vagina
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