Pls tell me she didnt actually sign a nutsack.
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
Yes, I am watching The Hills Have Thighs. And yes it is a porno remake of The Hills Have Eyes. And, again, yes, lesbian sex in the desert. Get the sand out.
If he thought that flying across an ocean to visit me in London constituted sex, he thought wrong.
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
Yeah he's definitely gonna feel that one when he wakes up. I beat the shit out of him with that broom handle.
You're probably reading this when you wake up from your "nap" in the front yard. Maybe next week you should go to class, and not start Thirsty Thursday at 9:30 in the morning.
he doesn't even text me anymore.. he just facebook chats me a shark emoticon which has turned into code for 'be naked at my house in 15 mins'
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
i think god would be more upset with me for turning down such a beautifully crafted cock than he would for me liking girls
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
You rope them in with the looks and the boobs, and I'll bore them into submission with random trivia. We can't lose.
My uterus feels like it went 8 rounds with Mike Tyson. And that was only a quickie.
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
Randomize
