sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
I thought I hit my peak drinking in college. Just finished first day on Wall Street. College was nothing.
she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.
He just showed me a video of his erect penis moving to the beet of the music when he was high, I think I'm in love.
Everytime the frat boy touches his bro's ass after making a cup take a drink
Do you think that my Facebook profile picture kinda look like im being raped by a 10 foot polar bear ?
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
It was awful. Mid hookup he started reading the titles of the books over my bed, which were about Russian imperial history. He then started asking me questions about the class I was reading the books for. I was like "WE HAVE TIME FOR THAT LATER, PLEASE CONTINUE."
It was disgusting, and I would've rather licked the condensation off the windows instead, but I figured that's wasn't very ladylike
It sucks laughing and vomiting at the same time, trust me. I kind of remember
Next time I feel awkward in a situation I'm going to just yell "free bird!!!!" Like some redneck at lynyrd skynyrd show
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
Pretty sure at some point last night i said to myself "it'll be fun to completely lose my mind for a night"
I opened my bookbag to put my laptop in and I found two granola bars and a pregnancy test. I am clearly prepared for life
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!