I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
I'll trade you a raw potato for some vodka
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
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I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
picked up a girl by parallel parking. i love this town already.
i feel like this needs to be a 'lose some teeth' kind of weekend.
After he came all he could say was how great the lighting fixtures where in my apartment.
I think I sprained my soul last night
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im currently assessing the tequila situation in preparation of your arrival
Any man who has a face like that and a bike, deserves a vagina like yours permanently.
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
I hate being the only medical professional in the group. I always end up patching you guys or being the DD when I'm on call. I have problems I need to drown in booze too...
He's the only guy without a tacky accent I've seen in this southern dump in 6 months. Bangage was inevitable.
You're such a Yankee.
He came in two seconds and stole my pizza so I'm not counting it.