I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
You can't special order awesome
apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
Somebody spraypainted a transformers head on a transformer box..my life is complete
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
he made me feel like a shish kabob. his dick was the skewer.
and you said he wasn't worth calling.
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
His search history includes homemade sex toys and a plunger. I'm scared about what goes on in their place.
Yeah I don't even know dude. This shit has reached new levels of ridiculous. Let's hope baby Jesus gallops down a rainbow on a sparkling unicorn and wills that bitch clean. I think that's the best chance we've got.
A reason for us to be drunk all week National Singles Week
I'm really glad that we can be casual hook up buddies. This is a true friendship. Now, please convince your roommate to do the same. Thanks.
So good news, aparently I blacked out and tried to go in the back of the mcdonalds to thank the people for makin my fries
Whatever she smells like compost and feathers.
I believe they call that patchouli.
I know you're my sister, but I'm pretty sure I'm going to have sex with one of your exes this weekend. He's probably not gay, but I'll let you know.