why didn't you poke me back
I couldn't get internet on my iPod in this hotel room for porn, so I made due with UFC.
I'm not sure what to say to that.
Who tried to make mustard cubes with the ice cube tray?
omg i can't drink anymore.. i just pulled up my dress and started playing with my vagina
I can totally hide my daquiri in my sling.
I had to write an apology letter to security guards in the hotel so I didnt get kicked out
You started a dance party so that you could steal their vodka and shouted "sailors out!"
YOU SUCK AT REPLYING IM IRRESPOSNIBLY DRUNK WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH YOU LIFE. celebrate the magicness with me.
I found an HIV test/information brochure on the kitchen table and what i can only assume to be an "I'm sorry you might have AIDS" gift bag, complete with a candle and popcorn, and I haven't seen you in 36 hours. You good?
Bake him heart shaped cookies?!? Send him a picture of your tits like an ADULT!
Thank you contacting dial-a-boner. Currently, our boner is on a run to service another client. You can either wait 2 hours for service, or share concurrent service with the current client.
I did the walk of shame this morning and his mom hugged me in the driveway
There is someone out there for you right now. And we will find her. Or him. Her. Her, we'll start with tits.
I'm 99% sure the Indians were high for thanksgiving and we should respect that by getting high too
Just had my butthole waxed. If that changes your plans for Saturday..