just upper decked a verizon store cause they don't cover against "getting phone crushed by a keg." had to pay 175 for a new one
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
I feel like an ass. I'm not blacking out ever again. I want to clean your feet for a year. Just like Jesus did.
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
I can't. I drank 10 years off my life last night. I need to reevaluate. Sorry.
i convinced him to be a french maid for halloween. he has no idea what he's in for. i just ordered the breast forms.
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
I'm on the Coaster ride of shame, currently sitting across two nice old ladies smelling like condoms.
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
Stop saving videos when you’re using my pornhub account!!! My girlfriend just tried to finger my butt because she thinks I’m into that
His bedroom is the preferred destination of MILFs, cougars, recent divorcees and sexually frustrated wives
His penis is my hero
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