There aren't nearly as many guys masturbating on chatroulette as i was led to believe...i feel cheated
Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
Just so you know.. I just graduated college with your name still written on my chest
If that doesn't scream bromance I dont know what does
Just KTHXBAIed an old man for staring at me
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
I just call them the hipster frat because they wear shirts other than pastel polos and listen to MGMT while playing dice.
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
He might not have any marketable talents, but the kid dry humps like no other.
Do you know how hard it is to was the scent of sex from your hair in a gas station bathroom?!
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
You said, "I'll have this whole island inside of you by 6 AM. Just point out who you want and I'll make it happen."
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
How does one take the "you're the best sex I've ever had but I'm marrying someone that's sub-par in the sack" mind fuck?
I pity the fool.
Thanks Mr T.
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