if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
I woke up to his little sister feeling me up. I guess it's time to meet the family.
i had to pay fifty dollars for throwing up in the limo, 60 fucking dollars to throw up all over myself
I thought the cops would know I was on shrooms because I was 10ft tall.
OMG bikini contest at the bar. You can see this one chicks scar from her c-section and I'm pretty sure she is the best of the bunch.
If she's steering anything, it's a religious boat of crazy. Destination: Iceberg.
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
Lets go hit some boners bro!
I appreciate the acceptance and inclusion, but that's not how we gay men talk.
after the fucking you spent twenty minutes vomiting naked and shaking your dick at my roommates. luckily, i don't remember that, or i'd have to be really insulted.
I woke up the other day with my Google browser open to "DIY lip injections"... I also just received a vial of hyaluronic acid and a package of TB syringes from amazon. I'm down.
I will have no part of this.
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
I have banged to "The Emperor's New Groove" way more than could possibly be reasonable.
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
That's nice of you to be concerned, but I'm pretty confident I'll marry someone 30 years older than me, ride out being the trophy wife for 10 or 15 years, then live large!
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