Oh just a soda. I'm "driving"
Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
This cougar at my work just said "big breasts" referring to poultry... Still resulted in a boner.
WIFE SWAP. FAMILY OF MIDGETS. LIFETIME. NOW.
so when we got to the frat house he had a travel sized toothpaste and toothbrush for me and gave me a pair of his shorts and a girl's sorority t shirt...something tells me he's done this before
He said "I know I'm not gay. I fucked a guy once and didn't like it"
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
Looks like a significant portion of my drinking money just became legal fees.
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
Just drink your champagne out of a trophy like a fuckin winner
she started chasing me through the forest like a horny serial killer
She has the best kind of daddy issues
Got so high i fell asleep kyaking...for 2 hours.
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