i want to bang the Snorg tees girl.. shes always smiling ;)
i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
So i think we're being coned into a threesome with the promise of pokemon
he was shitfaced drunk and couldn't walk but could still recite the top 10 in order from the first season of american idol. impressive
Apparently I joined a band last night. Definitely my favorite blackout.
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
She was puking in a plastic bag while cleaning where she puked on the floor. She knows how to multitask.
Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
The girls danced. I drank. Then I danced cause I was drunk. Then I ripped tim's shirt off cause I'm awesome.
He sent me a limp picture of his penis with the caption " same ol, same ol' I cant believe these are the type of guys I sleep with
You went over didnt you?
If I hid at school to avoid the cops, is it fleeing and evading or just being a good student?
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
The spirit of America is being too hungover to celebrate America right?
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
Randomize
