you kept trying to convince me i had aids because my head hurt
Just saw a girl i'm pretty sure is simultaneously jailbait and a milf. I never want to leave mexico.
Dude, he sent me a pic of his dick. I thought dating a married man wouldn't remind me so much of high school. Seriously.
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
I just saw a group of 50+ year old women all wearing shirts that said "drink up, bitches" ...please tell me that can be us some day.
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
shes the kind of girl that would cock block endangered pandas
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
She pretty much spent NYE measuring dicks, trying to decide which one to take home.
You thanked your mom for the gymnastic lessons so you could do a keg stand
Good, be his mentor. Like a tiny gay Yoda.
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
He stopped mid sex to pour wine in my mouth...
Marry him.
It's the first weekend of the school year and I'm already selling stuff for booze. Need a microwave?
That time of your life is like a blur to me. There was churches, car fucking, and conservatives
Randomize
