I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
i told him i was sober and he walked away immediately.
he then proceeded to tear down my curtains, wrap them around his waist, and use the rod as his "rod"... you tell me how drunk he is...
she uses eco-friendly sex toys. she is the literal definition of a hippie.
I've started grabbing my boobs in front of my lesbian philosophy professor so she'll give me a better grade. It's working...
Note to self: do not ride giant beanbag chair down stairs.
Does he cat effect his dick pics to you? Because THAT is true love
Last time we talked he was trying to sext me but he was including pictures of fruit
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.
DO YOU REALIZE HOW AWESOME MY GRANDMA WOULD BE IF SHE GOT HIGH
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
I think I puked in the middle of sex last night if that's any indication as to how drunk I was.
She has a girlfriend too.. we decided that two cheats equal eachother out to zero. with our flawed grasp on algebra and the bottle of jack we were passing back and forth the logic seemed airtight.
Randomize
