I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
I didnt shave my beard last night, so I could feel it while Im shrooming today
his mom called while we were having sex and asked if we could finish in his brothers room because her ceiling fan was about to fall on her bed
I realize now that I left my pants on that table in the downstairs bathroom at you house on Tuesday....
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
I just set the shake weight record at the bar. 20 mins of that crap and drinking beer through a straw will get the job done. I also bet the bartender 100 bucks I could go shot for shot with him. The date for that event is TBA.
they're doing drop shots of Jager into red wine. i don't want to be on that level
Remember that time I tried to pierce your nipples while high... it's like that, only with more blood... and less nipples
yesterday you declined a drink because you "didn't want to be responsible for it" ok kanye...
I'm so proud of us for not dying.
It was so small.
Tiny. Got to love sexting. Imagine finding out the old fashioned way.
She didn't get a tit job, she's just wearing the right size bra for once
and then after the older sorority girl asked me his name she said "he gave me the rest of his mcdonalds and I decided to go home with him. it was the best that I could hope for my night"
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
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