You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
Drunken horseback riding is the absolute worst decision i've ever made in my life.
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
Whatever you didn't send me pics of you topless making bacon
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
I dont even think your gonna like what I got you for christmas. If not we can take it back and get drugs.
btw I told him that the only way he was gonna get to eat you out was if he smothered your vag with grits..
Things are very odd on my 29th hour of being awake. Thought there was a bird in my lecture hall and it was just a girl putting up her hair. What even
Seriously though, passing out on the police station floor must have been priceless!
i'll explain later but cookie monster is playing the xylophone
Im drinking a CAN of bud light at the bar. Do you really think I care anymore?
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
Randomize
