Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
I made $300 today by selling pizza @ $4 a slice to nerds who refuse to leave the library. God I love finals time
We removed her tutu and her cape, so there's no risk of her strangling herself.
I don't remember you taking the condom off last night. Did you just walk home in it ?
mid blow job she looked up and said "we aren't even facebook friends!"
And then. You beer bonged 3 tall boys. In a row. Fell into some kids lap. And pulled down my shirt trying to get up. Thank you for that. I got laid
All I wanted was a hug. You dirty, dirty whore.
I don't think she considers it a date unless she publicly urinates
I should send him a pic of my crotch with the caption "thanks for the memories"
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
Who put my cat in the fridge?
I mean we all knew i was gonna get arrested eventually but shoplifting is lame so dont tell anyone. Well just let them assume public nudity or something
He told us when he was 10 he started shoving bars of soap up his ass for pleasure so i winked at him
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