onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
You dont understand. she was my french AND spanish teacher. that's 2 kinds of freaky. i have to find her on facebook.
you puked out of a dead sleep and didnt wake up
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
Why is your name on a gluestick in a plastic baggy stuck to my door?
Katelyn drunkenly ripped the soap dispenser off the wall so we decided to call it quits
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
I threw up vodka and borscht. I'm done with life...I threw this up in a McDonald's bathroom btw.
Will you rub my calves while I masturbate?
If sex isn’t mentioned at least three times at the dinner table, I’m not interested...
duddde i wasn't even home last night and someone elses clothes are on my floor and there glow sticks everywhere?!
Randomize
